Humour Tonic

Two snakes were crawling along when one snake asked the other, “Are we poisonous snakes?” The other replied, “You’re damn right we are! We’re rattlesnakes. Why do you ask?” To which the first replied, “I just bit my tongue.” To… Continue Reading →

A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness, stopped and said: “Your honor, a juror is asleep.” The Judge ruled: “You put him to sleep; YOU wake him up.”

Tech Support: “What does the screen say now.” Person: “It says, ‘Hit ENTER when ready’.” Tech Support: “Well?” Person: “How do I know when it’s ready?”

My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, “Look, I’m not… Continue Reading →

A wife, one evening, drew her husband’s attention to the couple next door and said, “Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don’t you do that? “I would love to.”… Continue Reading →

One woman told another : “My neighbor is always speaking ill of her husband. Mind you, look at me. My husband is Foolish, Lazy and a Coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?”

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but… Continue Reading →

There was this American tourist in Mexico, and he was getting tired of walking around, so he went up to a donkey rental place and said, ‘’Can I rent a donkey?’ The guy said, “We don’t call them donkeys here,… Continue Reading →

A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head. Everyone stopped what… Continue Reading →

A waiter asks a man, “May I take your order, sir?” “Yes,” the man replies. “I’m just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?” “Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.”